At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
