My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
accomplished twins. life is a go
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize