At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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