i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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