The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
