if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
