No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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