True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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