Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
