Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
