his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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