Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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