she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
