His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
