Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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