Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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