no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
