I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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