On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
