Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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