I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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