I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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