Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
