Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Randomize
