Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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