If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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