remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
