in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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