I heard we made out
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
