She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
