im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
