I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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