i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
