seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
