i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
3 2 1 whiskey
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize