I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
