i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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