I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Princesses don't give blow jobs
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
