Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
