onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
