Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's never too late to be topless.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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