He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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