Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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