I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
