One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
