terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
3pm strippers are depressing
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
