Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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