Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
