Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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