I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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