I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
