I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
