dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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