Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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