you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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