Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
