the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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