Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
